1. |
33 & golden
03:05
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i was born an open wound
that only suicide could sow up
but i refuse that healing thread
i wanted god to look at us
and she whispers you sweet nothings
you hope it’s true enough
to keep you here till you give yourself up
i’m done with this body i’m done with this skin
till i’m rid of my bones and i’m left with a grin
if u swallow evil and just let it swim
sometimes the hospital beds just can’t teach you a thing
just can't teach you a thing
oh i can't see life as inherent good
as easy as it sounds i would if i could
we can't sit tight the way we should
we're tied and we're bound
comically misunderstood
i’m done with this body i’m done with this skin
till i’m rid of my bones and i’m left with a grin
if u swallow evil and just let it swim
sometimes the hospital beds just can’t teach you a thing
these ropes serve to keep us apart
and all this pain has no lesson at its heart
but it just keeps going
it just keeps growing
won't stop
cause it just keeps tugging
it won’t stop tearing
us
up
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2. |
118-madonna
03:57
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i had to grow an extra rib just to survive
and even then I knew that nothing was a given
you raise your daughters up high when they arrive
and then you tear of their linen
118, just like Britney
118, like jonbenét
no pretty way to tell you how much i had lied
hell is a body in which i just cannot reside
no pretty way to tell you how much I had lied
hell is a body in which i no longer can hide
i know others gaze left you feeling hollow
i lost myself in shapes that just were not mine
an age of spectacle
can't count on being kind
but you’ll keep searching til your figure you do find
may some of these words help you with your fight
can’t make us theirs
oh try as they might
airport confessionals and your father's eyes
no matter what was lost i trust you to be fine
may some of these words hold us through night
no matter what i’ll strive to be a light
til everybody outside can see you inside
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3. |
city in a bottle
03:30
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they’d put a city in a bottle
with all their maybes
while the city might topple
and they’d call it lazy
and i’m not here at all
i'd let anything phase me
call you golden child
say you’re no baby
these things creep on you, they’re never done with you
and it all crept up too soon, leaves you too little room
oh is this cancer born from man
you’d think it engineered by hand
stopping us stand
and i’m bound and i'm muzzled
for my own safety
am i supposed to act puzzled
when systems fail me
but i’m not shocked at all
when i act ungracefully
call you golden child
then tell you you’re crazy
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4. |
hawthorne81
03:45
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welcome saint horror
just let them take the lead
deprive myself of water
Ieave me no time to feed
like perfects to the slaughter
i wish i’d never dragged my feet
a father's blessing to his daughter,
hoping that she’ll find some sleep
but she won’t sleep
i’m not important
the corpse i carried here is not my own
i claim my own lent
the flesh i have stretched tightly round my bones
i implore them
it seems there’s no real way to let them know
our needs ignored and
i’ll waste away to grasp at some
control
and they won’t warn us
they won’t stop till they’ve sold us their rope
rather it wasn’t brought up
but it’s true i'd love to hang on by some hope
so thrilling to give up
i'd lay here til my fucking ribcage shows
but they won’t mourn us
can’t waste away to grasp at some control
and exhaust saint horror
break down on your knees
won’t sit by while they hoard us
won’t let them do as they please
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5. |
the ripple
03:18
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to accept to be duped yo not grimace at the absolute
an offering in your teeth of no use
any other life
any other body
any goddamn type of dignity
to accept to be viewed
to not let them hold that over you
to be groveling at their feet
til they shoot
an existence that cuts
to be overseen and overloved
give up on your personhood hope it sends a ripple
give more than you ever should
to be welcomed to my room
sharing was so overdue
weren’t you all a final piece
to feel full
not any other life
not any other body
not any goddamn type of dignity
to be accepted too soon
to let my judgment go underused
got myself a brand new sheen
to be confused
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6. |
atoms
02:48
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the closest thing
i could imagine
as prime seating
to a great nothing
is a seat
in that old apartment
or in manhattan
with makayla laughing
and what you see
don’t you think it’s perfect
until it’s pouring
and the rains all atoms
and we can’t wait to see what shape they take
and they form dancer
and we see it flirting
and from the void everything we knows left in it’s wake
there’s no stories
and no need for answers
instead i know
nothings from nothing
it has reason
though unconvincing
like the beams
of sun through blinds seeped
in like a killer
and it drag me
from a sleep
to see i missed you calling
and how you almost died there
and it was you who did it
how many times can it be a mistake
oh to meet the dancer
and see them flirting
into the void everything we make left in our wake
all that’s left are stories
and no chance for answers
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7. |
equus
04:26
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can't keep them behind locks
the boys flock to the door
can't keep them from mistakes
that they’re bound to make
what a feast for the eyes
as a beast compromised
as they tell you of a place
where your morals have no weight
hippuris kerosene
oh watch it burn
oh equus how prestine
oh watch me burn
just to cope with what you’ve seen
we all eat up what we’re served
and we deserve what got
action calls for reaction
are you like us or are you not
tear me limb from limb
let offals guide us
as they tell you of a place
where you’re morals have no weight
hippuris kerosene
so oh i watched you burn
just to cope with what i’ve been
oh watch it burn
to keep your conscience clean
you told me that you’d seen a man sewn into the stomach of equus
what of my youth obsessed you
what of my youth intrigued
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8. |
730kingfisher
03:43
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hardly what they do to you, but how they make you feel like it’s deserved
you should hate yourself when it’s through, feel guilty for the voice you left unheard
you should have caught it while they had it
before it was thrown
we’re begging for it well now you have
an excuse to go home
hold me closer
don’t let me older
don’t let me get wise
to this
hold the former
when will all this over
don't keep me alive
for this
jerusalem a child
sings it true
a black dog
through a window haunting you
there's a vision of the past
coming through
but the past’s not the past
it’s always new
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9. |
datta920
02:50
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though the words are not right i never washed the sheets you bled in
how the men in your life told you your essence was wrong
and i throw up all night breaking down myths till my chest caves in
because there comes a time no huntress tigers or lambs
so i’ll sit here
yes i’ll sit here
by the abyss here
til you ask me to go
so i’ll sit here
knowing no one can live here
it’s only right dear
til you can be alone
and it’s coming for you
and no i can’t name my fright
cause i couldn’t feed on guilt nor loving
but it’s enough to have tried
believing no one has felt like this
seen too many bloodshot eyes
to believe that i control of my body
but if yours i can’t satisfy
i’ll swallow ego pride and bile
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10. |
we2assume2many2roles
03:18
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sitting in the back of a taxi car and i don’t where i’m at
but it can’t be far just take me home
and the driver turns and mumbles out words
that i must’ve misheard, and mistaken for a quote
it’s not that i doubt, that these things leave his mouth
but what seemed so profound was “we assume many roles”
if today i was haunted
tomorrow i’ll be free
i could get all i wanted
and still feel my lungs tighten and seize
and i get back to bed put my head by your head
and you’ll say you were scared and i’ll tell to you where i’ve been
and you'd kiss me slow, take my heart out to show
keep my hands down low give each other what we need
a big cat and its prey, daughters given away
i mean all this to say we should give up on our greed
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11. |
being there (all my 48s)
03:00
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as i
rest in the house of perfects
trying let it flush away
and i’m
faced with the consequence of knowing
that it’s worth it all to fight and stay
and i
sat long enough by the Thames bank
for direction of the current change
and what of the reign of this shame
it’s insane
well that’s just being there
just to be there
all you must slay, that you can’t tame
is the same
that’s just being there
just to be here
when time
comes knocking up on my front door
i guess i’ll be the first to say
that i’ve
aged a lifetime since you saw me
not much changed since i took this name
but all
my 48s feel less heavy
on my broad shoulders now the records straight
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12. |
all needed here
02:28
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i used to want to die in the name of my beliefs
before i could even live by them
these days i have no urge for martyr like feats
and look down on the life i lived back then
so what do i know of who i am now
i walk through life with confusion and ill health
there’s nothing in this world i could teach you
that wouldn’t be better learnt by yourself
and after all
all that’s needed needed is here
after all
all is needed here
after all
all needed here
cause i wanted the scars upon my arms to appear
as battle wounds of this world i faced alone
but in they’re place i see mistakes from when i’d break
and it just makes me sick to the bone
but all times come around
no sentence truly lasts forever
i’ve harmed and been harmed
time heals me and therefore will heal others
and after all
all that’s needed needed is here
after all
all is needed here
after all
all needed here
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Lauren Auder London, UK
London-based Lauren Auder is a 24-year-old songwriter, storyteller, composer and artist. Her baroquely orchestrated pop
songs a palette in which Auder colors in a world through her own eloquent lens as a trans person and the inherently political nature of merely residing in a body that is constantly under threat.
truepanther.com/roster/#lauren-auder
... more
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