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the infinite spine

by Lauren Auder

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    Includes unlimited streaming of the infinite spine via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
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33 & golden 03:05
i was born an open wound that only suicide could sow up but i refuse that healing thread i wanted god to look at us and she whispers you sweet nothings you hope it’s true enough to keep you here till you give yourself up i’m done with this body i’m done with this skin till i’m rid of my bones and i’m left with a grin if u swallow evil and just let it swim sometimes the hospital beds just can’t teach you a thing just can't teach you a thing oh i can't see life as inherent good as easy as it sounds i would if i could we can't sit tight the way we should we're tied and we're bound comically misunderstood i’m done with this body i’m done with this skin till i’m rid of my bones and i’m left with a grin if u swallow evil and just let it swim sometimes the hospital beds just can’t teach you a thing these ropes serve to keep us apart and all this pain has no lesson at its heart but it just keeps going it just keeps growing won't stop cause it just keeps tugging it won’t stop tearing us up
118-madonna 03:57
i had to grow an extra rib just to survive and even then I knew that nothing was a given you raise your daughters up high when they arrive and then you tear of their linen 118, just like Britney 118, like jonbenét no pretty way to tell you how much i had lied hell is a body in which i just cannot reside no pretty way to tell you how much I had lied hell is a body in which i no longer can hide i know others gaze left you feeling hollow i lost myself in shapes that just were not mine an age of spectacle can't count on being kind but you’ll keep searching til your figure you do find may some of these words help you with your fight can’t make us theirs oh try as they might airport confessionals and your father's eyes no matter what was lost i trust you to be fine may some of these words hold us through night no matter what i’ll strive to be a light til everybody outside can see you inside
they’d put a city in a bottle with all their maybes while the city might topple and they’d call it lazy and i’m not here at all i'd let anything phase me call you golden child say you’re no baby these things creep on you, they’re never done with you and it all crept up too soon, leaves you too little room oh is this cancer born from man you’d think it engineered by hand stopping us stand and i’m bound and i'm muzzled for my own safety am i supposed to act puzzled when systems fail me but i’m not shocked at all when i act ungracefully call you golden child then tell you you’re crazy
hawthorne81 03:45
welcome saint horror just let them take the lead deprive myself of water Ieave me no time to feed like perfects to the slaughter i wish i’d never dragged my feet a father's blessing to his daughter, hoping that she’ll find some sleep but she won’t sleep i’m not important the corpse i carried here is not my own i claim my own lent the flesh i have stretched tightly round my bones i implore them it seems there’s no real way to let them know our needs ignored and i’ll waste away to grasp at some control and they won’t warn us they won’t stop till they’ve sold us their rope rather it wasn’t brought up but it’s true i'd love to hang on by some hope so thrilling to give up i'd lay here til my fucking ribcage shows but they won’t mourn us can’t waste away to grasp at some control and exhaust saint horror break down on your knees won’t sit by while they hoard us won’t let them do as they please
the ripple 03:18
to accept to be duped yo not grimace at the absolute an offering in your teeth of no use any other life any other body any goddamn type of dignity to accept to be viewed to not let them hold that over you to be groveling at their feet til they shoot an existence that cuts to be overseen and overloved give up on your personhood hope it sends a ripple give more than you ever should to be welcomed to my room sharing was so overdue weren’t you all a final piece to feel full not any other life not any other body not any goddamn type of dignity to be accepted too soon to let my judgment go underused got myself a brand new sheen to be confused
atoms 02:48
the closest thing i could imagine as prime seating to a great nothing is a seat in that old apartment or in manhattan with makayla laughing and what you see don’t you think it’s perfect until it’s pouring and the rains all atoms and we can’t wait to see what shape they take and they form dancer and we see it flirting and from the void everything we knows left in it’s wake there’s no stories and no need for answers instead i know nothings from nothing it has reason though unconvincing like the beams of sun through blinds seeped in like a killer and it drag me from a sleep to see i missed you calling and how you almost died there and it was you who did it how many times can it be a mistake oh to meet the dancer and see them flirting into the void everything we make left in our wake all that’s left are stories and no chance for answers
equus 04:26
can't keep them behind locks the boys flock to the door can't keep them from mistakes that they’re bound to make what a feast for the eyes as a beast compromised as they tell you of a place where your morals have no weight hippuris kerosene oh watch it burn oh equus how prestine oh watch me burn just to cope with what you’ve seen we all eat up what we’re served and we deserve what got action calls for reaction are you like us or are you not tear me limb from limb let offals guide us as they tell you of a place where you’re morals have no weight hippuris kerosene so oh i watched you burn just to cope with what i’ve been oh watch it burn to keep your conscience clean you told me that you’d seen a man sewn into the stomach of equus what of my youth obsessed you what of my youth intrigued
hardly what they do to you, but how they make you feel like it’s deserved you should hate yourself when it’s through, feel guilty for the voice you left unheard you should have caught it while they had it before it was thrown we’re begging for it well now you have an excuse to go home hold me closer don’t let me older don’t let me get wise to this hold the former when will all this over don't keep me alive for this jerusalem a child sings it true a black dog through a window haunting you there's a vision of the past coming through but the past’s not the past it’s always new
datta920 02:50
though the words are not right i never washed the sheets you bled in how the men in your life told you your essence was wrong and i throw up all night breaking down myths till my chest caves in because there comes a time no huntress tigers or lambs so i’ll sit here yes i’ll sit here by the abyss here til you ask me to go so i’ll sit here knowing no one can live here it’s only right dear til you can be alone and it’s coming for you and no i can’t name my fright cause i couldn’t feed on guilt nor loving but it’s enough to have tried believing no one has felt like this seen too many bloodshot eyes to believe that i control of my body but if yours i can’t satisfy i’ll swallow ego pride and bile
sitting in the back of a taxi car and i don’t where i’m at but it can’t be far just take me home and the driver turns and mumbles out words that i must’ve misheard, and mistaken for a quote it’s not that i doubt, that these things leave his mouth but what seemed so profound was “we assume many roles” if today i was haunted tomorrow i’ll be free i could get all i wanted and still feel my lungs tighten and seize and i get back to bed put my head by your head and you’ll say you were scared and i’ll tell to you where i’ve been and you'd kiss me slow, take my heart out to show keep my hands down low give each other what we need a big cat and its prey, daughters given away i mean all this to say we should give up on our greed
as i rest in the house of perfects trying let it flush away and i’m faced with the consequence of knowing that it’s worth it all to fight and stay and i sat long enough by the Thames bank for direction of the current change and what of the reign of this shame it’s insane well that’s just being there just to be there all you must slay, that you can’t tame is the same that’s just being there just to be here when time comes knocking up on my front door i guess i’ll be the first to say that i’ve aged a lifetime since you saw me not much changed since i took this name but all my 48s feel less heavy on my broad shoulders now the records straight
i used to want to die in the name of my beliefs before i could even live by them these days i have no urge for martyr like feats and look down on the life i lived back then so what do i know of who i am now i walk through life with confusion and ill health there’s nothing in this world i could teach you that wouldn’t be better learnt by yourself and after all all that’s needed needed is here after all all is needed here after all all needed here cause i wanted the scars upon my arms to appear as battle wounds of this world i faced alone but in they’re place i see mistakes from when i’d break and it just makes me sick to the bone but all times come around no sentence truly lasts forever i’ve harmed and been harmed time heals me and therefore will heal others and after all all that’s needed needed is here after all all is needed here after all all needed here


released July 18, 2023

Performed by Lauren Auder
Mixed by Nathan Boddy
Mastered by Heba Kadry



all rights reserved



Lauren Auder London, UK

London-based Lauren Auder is a 24-year-old songwriter, storyteller, composer and artist. Her baroquely orchestrated pop songs a palette in which Auder colors in a world through her own eloquent lens as a trans person and the inherently political nature of merely residing in a body that is constantly under threat.
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